Universal Basis

It's ironic that there are so many issues that people say they care about and want to do something to cause positive change. Many times the basis of the dynamic crosses into other realms and creates its own set of chaotic disruptions and fear. But when we start examining the elements, it all comes back to the same "bacteria" - abuse.

No matter what label we put on the abuse, whether it be sexual harassment, bullying, domestic violence, domestic abuse, slavery, discrimination, extortion, or fraud, it comes down to the same dynamics and motivating factors.

Why

The motivating factors are essentially

• need for power (control);
  
• feelings of inadequacy,
  
• envy,
  
• jealously (neediness); or
  
• just perverse focus on self gratification (narcissism).
  

Tools of the Trade

Some of the tools of trade are creating a false nest so that the target will believe they have a trusted friend or ally. It helps to have charisma in some way, whether good looks, talents or skills that the target is lacking, and a dulcet voice. Those attributes are woven into flattery geared toward inducing trust. And they will trade on the relationship between them and their target in order to further create a bond built on a sense of security. When something goes wrong, the target believes there's a valid reason for self doubt when things happen not ordinarily part of a trusting relationship. And there is the logic that is spread over every transaction (usually circuitous in nature) that gives a warped reason for why the abuser is entitled to their actions while the target has done something that is incomplete, inadequate, or not proper.

If the target resists the initial efforts at logic or self doubt, the abuser will resort to threats of punishment in some manner. This can run the gamut from removal of privileges, destruction or barring access to something that has meaning to the target (no matter how minimal or simple), bombastic behavior (such as shouting or slamming things) that induces fear of violence. If the resistance to these efforts continues, the abuser will move into the next phase, destruction of the target's associations and reputation.

The Timing

The abuser is patient. In fact, they will use their "courtship" period to build a bond of trust. Whatever amount of time it takes to build the illusion of trust and confidence is necessary to begin the next phase can be dedicated to that mission. Rushed courtship is failed courtship. The prey will escape. During that courtship, and even before they hone in on their target, they are evaluating the practices and personality characteristics of their target to develop just the right attraction and staying power.

Just Like Family

In a familial relationship, we are constantly told that family is where one derives the greatest amount of safety and security; trust of family members should be extremely high. Why we have dynamics of child abuse and incest are not explained; the illness is buried under other matters in order to distract from the harm that befalls the victim. And besides that, there's the old adage of not airing one's dirty laundry - the family secrets. So we turn a blind eye to the familial betrayals and disappointments. To the rest of the world, there is consummate loyalty - defend the family member to the death.

But after the front door is closed, all manner of horrors occur. They can be physical, mental, psychological, financial. Here are the first areas of attack for disrupting meaningful efforts to obtain employment and self sufficiency. Attempts to earn an education and good grades are sent into destructive areas. Homework assignments disappear only to resurface days after the due date. The grade for the assignment is either lowered or given an incomplete. After a time, the classwork is so far behind that it no longer makes sense to continue the course.

The target is forced to do things in a certain order, to maintain organization to extreme heights of integrity - to the point of obsession. 

Having friends come to visit is next to taboo. In fact, the abuser will not allow friends to visit. If the target seems to gain too much popularity, it is possible they will get out of control, start thinking for their own self, and defy the abuser. That means outside relationships must be discouraged at any cost. But the best way to succeed in discouraging relationships is to defame the target in some way - dissuade others from associating with the target because they have done something that is too offensive. The taint too horrible. This is also known as the period of isolation.

Then There's at Work

There are work relationships where we are told that the manager has their team's best interests at heart. As a leader, that is the manager's responsibility.

Managers aren't above being abusers. They've simply transferred their abusive style from the home to the workplace. Somehow, they charmed the recruiter and the interviewers into not seeing the first glimpses of an abusive personality. And they have succeeded in sidestepping the dangerous state of being reported as an abuser. With no criminal or abusive record on the background screening documentation, they're in a prime position to get hired. Once in a managerial position, they nearly walk on water as far as who's word has more weight in evaluating a situation where a worker has complained.

It's Everywhere

The same principles apply to volunteer organizations, government, churches, schools. The sickness, like the flu, simply gets transferred from one place to another without regard to location nor anything else. Abuse by any name is still abuse and it's universal as to its application and manifestation.

Additional Reading:

• Be Careful When the Worker Gets Quiet
  
• Battered Woman Syndrome
  

A Time for Reflection and Development

Things have been building to a point during these last several months. The basis for the various situations and conditions were a curiosity. They were also not only annoying and inconvenient, they were also vexing. It was disturbing to have Life seem to be closing down and therefore one's existence being shuffled to the Exit.

The situations could no longer endure and a remedy needed to be sought. However, it still felt as though a barrier between me and current situations was being erected. It's important to put these types of premonitions in their place and also to not allow them to overwhelm with their unsubstantiated suggestions. The basis of a situation needs to be identified and understood before the issues can be properly addressed. So I arranged to be taken to the hospital and have things diagnosed. I anticipated a long wait. In order to deal with that, I took with me three of five books I purchased in September that were to form some of the content I would be presenting on domestic violence as it affects the workplace.

Although I was seen immediately, there were many intervals where nothing happened and time needed to be filled. One of the books I brought with me is Blind-Sided: Homicide Where It Is Least Expected by Gregory K. Moffatt (Sep 30, 2000); I began reading it during my wait on December 13. The first chapter explores three different types of homicides, domestic, serial, and confrontational (meaning targeting a large, random group). It also analyses why these types of murderers are called a nice guy by friends and acquaintances as well as what pressures were impacting these types of people that ultimately led to their explosion of emotions.

While the reading was engaging and the theories being proposed were fascinating, I began to weary and Nurse was concerned with the fact that the wait would endure for quite a bit longer. She turned on a television for me. That was when the news about the shootings at Sandy Hook reached me.

In these ensuing times, there are fits, rantings, weeping, mourning. People reach out to others to comfort or be consoled. There are the outraged who demand better gun controls and compare the United States laws on gun control with other countries. They compare the two, essentially saying the other is better and we should adopt their policies. Caution here. One must examine the existing terrain before planting sugar cane lest it be planted in a swamp.

One of the issues that stands out in situations of murder to any degree is a very fundamental need for something very basic. It's so basic that we take it for granted and ignore caring for it in the proper way so that our global community can thrive. That need it communication. Not just talking. Not merely putting together a group of words that create sentences that build into paragraphs and ultimately to speech.

Additionally, communication has many dynamics. Not the least of the dynamics involved in good communication is listening to what is being said. Given the fact that different words have differing meanings to different people in different contexts, we have a responsibility to ask clarifying questions in order to insure that what we think we hear is the actual message and that the words being used are understood for what they intend to convey.

It is only when we have good communication that we have the ability to express ourselves and be heard. Those are the catalysts for action and progress. Those are the catalysts for change. We usually aspire to positive change an better conditions. There were social pressures impacting the Sandy Hill killer, pressures that he had no skill at verbalizing. So he resorted to exacting and relieving his frustrations on those around him. Ruling out insanity (which is the typical cop-out and label in situations like this), the ability to communicate his concerns may have gotten him associated with the person who could provide the tools and resources necessary to ameliorate the stresses and therefore prevent the rampage. We need to work on developing much better communication skills.

Not New

My friend, Patti Yaritz, shared an image on Facebook. It was an image of Martin Luther King, Jr. with an excerpt from his speech "Eulogy for the Martyred Children" delivered on September 18, 1963 in Birmingham, AL. It evoked a lot of thoughts, feelings, and recollections. I vocalized:

I remember the circumstances of this speech. It was during the time of the church bombings in the Deep South. I believe three little girls who were in Sunday School were the victims of a bomb that impacted their Baptist church. You're right, Patti. There isn't a lot of difference between the precious little lives that had faint opportunity to experience, much less violate, Life then and the ones that were violated last week.

And now all we have left is to hang our collective heads in misery, once we've spent some energy being angry and ranting at the world. But as we hang our heads in misery, we shall actively begin to construct new, better ways to encourage an age of reasonableness so that incidents such as these (and that are not a result of some type of formally declared warfare) will either be less likely to occur or will become a nonexistent alternative for anyone.

Let me use this window of opportunity to reassert my contentions from 2002. We in the employment industry need to develop (and be trained to identify) legal methods to determine who abusers and potential abusers are before we bring them into the workplace and thus give them a license to leak their propensities onto others who have nothing to do with the real underlying problem.

Abuse is a malignancy, a sickness, that is spreading its evil into many aspects of our lives. Communication is part of the remedy, to be sure. Respect is another. But abuse of good communication skills to the extent that they are not being used is one of the problems that needs to be solved. There are many other issues impacting us today. However, the demand for the reduction of abuse, increase of better communication skills are reaching a fevered pitch. We are past time to begin the remedies but we're not out of time.

Resources:

• Eulogy for the Martyred Children
  
• Sandy Hook shooting: What happened?
  

Sponsored Link: Blind-Sided: Homicide Where It Is Least Expected

Handling the Abuser

Somewhere in the United States, a person sits within the confines of their home. They are alone for the moment and feel utterly isolated from all friends, family, and co-workers. Their funds are limited, controlled by someone else. They have to ask permission for the most inconsequential of things. They are depressed, mostly because their life has come to such an empty point. All dreams, hopes, and desires have been dashed into the sand.

They are edgy. The least thing makes them cranky -- or at least it seems that way. They flare up at belittling things. They are threatened with reprisals for the most minor of things or badgered for information. Their body trembles with fear at the threat of reprisals for speaking in their own behalf. Physical aches and pains plague them. They are completely aware that physical or verbal attacks are the price to be paid for self assertion.

They remember instances of recreation and laughter for the sake of joy.

They're having nightmares. Night after night, the same theme invades their unconscious state to remind them of the last time they were flung across the room, pummeled for telling an anecdote about how something was vandalized, or chastised for the least of innocent things. Being called stupid, faulted for things that are actually correct, prevented from attending to things in a timely fashion are part and parcel of their evolving psyche. The person becomes part of the 32 million American population identified as battered and abused.

They're in full stage battered person syndrome or post-traumatic stress disorder.

How do you explain to someone that they are an abuser? It's a tricky situation. When you walk away from them, you'll have to shake your head in order to cancel the crazy-talk, circular reasoning, nonsense they've foisted upon you to bamboozle you with their logic and convince you that they're right. But they're not. They're trying to control you and the situation with their nonsense. So adept at this art are they that as you listen to them, they weave a complex tapestry that sounds valid and believable. If they have a position of authority, the legitimacy of their argument is falsely bolstered by the fact of their job title. Their flimsy, flawed reasoning is not questioned but taken as gospel.

How do you tell someone they're being abusive when they're telling you that you need a lot of help with reasoning? They will go out of their way to be a "friend" in order to explain the most elementary of concepts -- concepts that you're attempting to explain to them. These are insults and put-downs. They are belittling. These are concepts that they are simply not grasping and it appears they never will. Their reasoning is too concrete.

But their belittling words are definitely starting to affect your self esteem. Do not let this person make you start questioning your value nor your intelligence. You are fine. If anything, allow your introspection to go so far as to confirm the conclusions before their assault on you; make certain you respond with a reinforced hit on their failed logic.

How do you explain to the abuser that their ignoring you is additional evidence that they’re working at diminishing you and your self worth? Assert yourself. Call their attention to the avoidance tactic. Also, don't allow yourself to be ignored. It's all right to ignore the bully -- to simply not hear them when they speak -- once they've proven what they are. If they're standing over you while talking, it's fine to rise from your chair and bump into them. But then, be polite. Tell them, "Oh, excuse me [insert name]. I didn't realize you were there." But to be certain, you are not required to sit through their berating stream of words. Simply walk away. Don't become a part of the spew. If you must, tell them you just don't have time right now. What they're saying will have to wait until another time. Then just walk away.

How do you help the abuser realize that their tactics to disrupt and destroy something you're about to do, a presentation you're preparing to make, with threats of self harm or some other alarming proclamation, are now recognized for what they are and will be ignored? Let them know it's inappropriate to manipulate others in such an immature manner; it won't be tolerated.

How do you handle the bully and the abuser? Don't lower yourself to their level; don't use their tactics as a counter. They'll revel in the fact that you've made yourself as small as they are and taunt you into doing something even more degrading. Step away from them. Walk away from their acts. Don’t hear their words.

If you're at work, make a note about what happened -- date, time, and place. Do it without adding value terms. Just state the facts and save it. A time will come when you need to refer to it or show it to someone. Just save it as a reminder. It's a reminder not only of what occurred but also that you're soon going to leave that job site for something better.

How do you handle the abuser and bully? Whether male or female, the behavior will affect you. Try as you might, you cannot handle the abuser through normal reasoning because they are not highly likely to understand. You remove yourself from their company and let them fester in their own bile.

Viva
Yvonne LaRose, CAC

Battered Woman Syndrome

Whether in the office, at home, in an organization, or just in the public, there is a symptom of stress that can affect everyone in the immediate area. You need to be aware of it and have some ideas about how to effectively handle it.

Battered Woman Syndrome (BWS) has been denounced in courts as not a legitimate excuse for retaliatory acts of violence, self defense, or other acts of violence. It is coming to be known under a different terminology (adult physical abuse is one term) and no longer attempts to have a single term serve the many dynamics that can present when the sufferer reacts to a motivating incident.

The reason you want to be aware of this condition in your role as a hiring manager or recruiter is because instances of bullying can also be considered a form of abuse and very possibly cause a reaction in someone who has survived an abusive relationship and is re-establishing their life.

The condition is real. The sufferer may have succeeded in masking the condition until and even held theirself in denial about it until a precipitating moment. But after a period of successive beratings, torments, insults, and even physical assaults, the person on the receiving end will no longer be able to tolerate the treatment in silence nor brush it off.

There will come a day when the insults to self are too much -- more than the ordinary person can and should tolerate. Or there will be a bump that sends them flying through the air a few inches and releases a flashback of a similar incident that involved flying several feet. A name-calling session will reach saturation point and no more tolerance. The reaction will ensue and seem disproportionate to what others saw. Unfortunately, others do not see the psychological scar tissue that's been building for years and not tolerating the new attacks.

The best way to avoid having some form of BWS erupt in your office is to:

• Maintain a respectful decorum with every person from the lowest part of the hierarchy to the most powerful.
  
• Be certain that everyone in the organization is focused on one vision -- the livelihood of the organization.
  
• Also make certain your safety protocols address the needs and special circumstances of your organization.

Following these three disciplines will not guarantee the most wholesome environment. But generally following these practices will provide the first steps to addressing the many needs and priorities associated with what was formerly called battered woman syndrome.